Things aren't so random

Last night, biking home from the river front on the Stone Arch Bridge, stopping to take photos and observe, I listened to my intuition and took a right instead of a left, heading towards the Guthrie, towards the glowing, unobtrusive yet beckoning lights.

This right turn led me to the 35W bridge memorial. Something I guess I knew was there yet had not experienced myself. Coming up to it I saw someone else crossing the street towards the memorial. My fight v. flight momentarily kicked in and then realized it was a woman into her 70s give or take, I figured I was safe.

We initially kept our space yet were close and eventually spoke. Lil, a wonderfully warm older woman, with her coiffed hair, glasses and sweater, asked me where I was from, mentioned she was visiting the cities from Albert Lea, joking about the distance and the small town atmosphere. She having to come to the cities to 'see' anything, me having to travel to Northern Minnesota to 'get away'. She had spent her evening at the Guthrie, observing the view from the lookout and could not leave the cities without physically coming down to the memorial.

We talked about the beauty of the memorial. We talked about the people that died. The fact that these people were fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, grandpas, grandmas. Much like the war memorials and the soldiers that have passed these people meant something to someone and gave/lost their lives and such a tribute is a wonderful expression of appreciation.

We then digressed, or rather, segueing into talking about seeing grown men cry and the stoicism of the past. Observing people, specifically grown men, touch those walls in DC and break down in unobstructed tears. She shared the first time seeing her father cry was on a birthday many a year ago. She was at the age where you stop sending your father the funny cards and instead start expressing your love and appreciation. When he read that card he started to cry and she instantly wished she could take it all back. I expressed the only time I can recall my father crying, receiving the news of his own father passing and how it affects you and you can never forget that moment.

We talked for a few more moments, me introducing myself and learning her name. Her wishing me a safe ride home and me wishing her a safe long drive home late at night. And then we left each other to digest the memorial in our own ways. Me going out onto a lookout to write down my notes of meeting her, to snap a few more photos; Lil reading and thinking who knows what. I biked away observing her moving through the pillars and feeling so appreciative I was able to meet her, talk to her and share in the beauty and wonder together.

Dream Log: Looking deeper

Last night part of my dream entailed acquiring some random possessions from a woman I did not know. As I looked through the things I was interested and a bit confused by what I had - eye drops, a purse, various junk a purse holds and most interestingly, a book. I paged through the book, taking note of a few foreign objects, random scraps of paper and the distinct markings of U.S. currency. Assuming someone used these as placeholders I did not think too much of it initially but was certainly intrigued. Who was this person? What is this book? As I delved a little deeper I discovered each page had its own pocket near the spine of the odd numbered pages. Tucked within these pockets were bills of various denominations and other items. I was elated - what an interesting book with such a pleasant surprise! Not knowing where these new found possessions came from in the first place this magical gift was all for me.

This morning as I lay reflecting on this portion of my nightly dream sequences/sagas it seemed to tell me: Don't just take things at face value. Often there is more than meets the eye, more than just surface explanations if we  are open to the experience. If we don't allow ourselves the time to truly explore and experience the wonderment of life we are doing ourselves a disservice and never know what we may have missed along the way.

bird's eye view

Flying above the clouds, like sailing through an endless ocean; the often fluffy, sometimes translucent, always methodical waves, as far as the eye can see, distinguishing ground from sky virtually impossible.

Beauty is abound in every facet of our lives but it is essential to seek it out, to actively observe, to ensure the precious 'once in a lifetime' moments are not lost.  Introspection is essential but focusing too deeply inwards, worrying about what others think or disregarding the spectacular nature of our lives is a disservice, and like negative thoughts/emotions/actions, once they are out in the universe, it is never retrievable; once those moments have past, they're something we can never get back.

Advice comes in many forms

Had an interesting eveing talking to a friend who has been going through relationship problems. We talked at length about feelings, actions and more importantly advice. He advised that people have told him to just 'poke around, see what's out there (if you will).' Of course, everyone has words of wisdom for someone facing strife. For example, these folks giving him womanly advice are here just for the now, for the immediate satisfaction and moment. It is a great way to forget about the past and move on to the next one. Complete jerks? Probably not. Short sighted and immature? Certainly. Who doesn't love offering advice, especially when solicited. I love giving advice. I love being an advisor, a mediator; hell, my ideal job is to be the ombudsman for National Public Radio (baby steps to hit that dream).  However, not all advice is beneficial in the long-term.

How often is someone scorned and the immediate response is to indulge in vices? Whether it be drugs, drink or seduction, the easiest reprieve from a difficult situation is to indulge in life's greatest maleficences. It is easy to forget that every experience and encounter allows one to become a better, more fulfilled individual or transversely allows one to suppress or ignore the duty of  here and now.  It is easy to get caught up in the minutiae of life whether it be a job, people or surroundings. I do, however, always take a moment to ground myself and refocus on what is important. Every experience, bother, hatred or scorn is just an opportunity to grow as an individual. The difficulty comes in being aware and possessing a willingness to constantly evaluate and reevaluate.

Advice comes in many forms. I lean heavily towards a meditative and Buddhist lifestyle. I believe everything happens for a reason; life offers a lesson at every turn and ultimately the hope is that, "Whenever you fall, pick something up." While I never want to preach or act better than another I do try to always look at the big picture, evaluating how today's actions will impact tomorrow. What I do today will ultimately shape who I am tomorrow and how others receive me.

 Taking a step back, I think about the shortsighted advice to just live for this very moment. I certainly believe in being happy today. here. now. Does happiness equal contentment? Of course. However, while we should all try to live in the present and be happy in thee here and now it is extremely detrimental to forgo respect, forgetting and/or ignoring all actions and/or consequences...it invalidates other's opinions, feelings and lives. To be truly happy, enlightened and content, means respecting everyone, regardless of the situation and/or background, embracing differences rather than contempt for what is unfamiliar or foreign.

Advice comes in many forms. It is easy to take the cowardly way out, acting like a jerk, not facing true feelings or acting in a manner unbecoming of an adult ( I use that term loosely - just what does it mean to be an adult?!? - surely another blog topic all its own). It takes an honest individual to be true to oneself and others, regardless of how hard that may be. A challenge I impress upon myself, are you up for it?

real eyes realize real lies. just be a good person.

I saw this quote on the bathroom wall at Earwax in Chicago yesterday. While Earwax's website is atrocious, their food is amazing and the bathroom ruminations even better.

Real eyes realize real lies. Just be a good person. This completely resonates with me. If one lives their life in a shroud of dishonesty, isn't ethical in business practices or is just a bit shady in general, the truth comes out. It is a simple reminder to focus on the good. It is so much harder to live a life of lies, to have to cover up the truth or sweat someone finding out something isn't what is seems.

Yeah, sometimes it sucks to tell the truth, admit fault; it can be embarrassing. Hurting another individual is the worst. It is still better than being a dishonest person.

I have been spending a lot of time evaluating my life, my career, the place I call home - it leads to a lot of introspection but also means looking outward. I don't have time to be around people who cannot add something meaningful to my life. I don't have the patience to deal with fake people. Life is short and it is ever changing. Good things happen to good people. I always want instantaneous results so this whole, which direction is my life headed, what is the right path? thing is tough because it cannot be done overnight. I do know that as I move forward I continue to grow as a person and am focused on surrounding myself with positive forces. 

This past weekend I got to spend a lot of time with two of my best friends and also got to know a few other amazing people on a more personal level. As my friend and I dissected the weekend we talked about how absolutely fortunate we are to not only have each other in our lives, but to also have core people who enhance our lives both professionally and personally. What a realization. Good people breed an aura of happiness and general contentment and why waste time on anything or anyone that can't bring that.

exit interviews

All of life's ups and downs should be accompanied by exit interviews. You know, the prerequisite final hurrah when quitting an organization. Why are you leaving? What was good? What needs improvement? Why is the grass greener?

A lot could be gleaned if life could do the same. If every time you faced disappointment from someone or something you could sit down and gather honest, upfront information. If every time something didn't work out as you wanted or expected it to there would be someone who could tell you exactly why. Don't get me wrong, there is an aspect to that in every day life. Ask anyone who has shed tears to family and friends, there are people there to listen to our plights and offer sage advise. Sometimes, however, it isn't enough.

Part of personal and professional development is being coachable. Being humble enough to know you need to improve and having someone (yourself, a boss, a friend, a lover) outline what that improvement entails and why.

As people I think we are often afraid to disappoint and hurt others as well as ourselves. I believe if we functioned in an environment of open communication, albeit without accusation or hurtful intent, many people would be open not only to some introspective improvement, but also to live more for others and pay it forward.

I don't know. Life throws weird turns our way and it can be tough to understand why things happen the way they do. Instead of focusing on the past, I need to control what I can today and act upon that. Easy to say, sometimes it feels impossible to do.A few friends have told me lately to let go of the control and just go with the flow. This exit interview is helpful. The more I try to tightly hold everything and force a hand the more I create my own expectations and set myself up for disappointment.

So life as you were for so many yesterdays, here is my exit interview: I have a death grip on what I want to but cannot control. The death grip ends today. I need to go and explore and not be side tracked by my fear of the unknown. I cannot plan out everything and some things only happen when one is completely willing to just jump in and swim. So my dissatisfaction with career, personal life, whatever can't change unless I am the one to make it happen. Watch out life, my c'est la vie attitude and lifestyle returns to propel me into the best chapter yet.

If you love it, let it go

I have a sign posted in my bedroom that simply states, "If you love it, Let It Go. Let it go..." A friend came over recently and asked me about it. Why would I have a sign stating that if I love something I should let it go? I told her it is a reminder to stop dwelling and instead focus on what I can do, change and have. There is no point in hanging on to things that are outside of my control. If I love something and want something in my life I need to make it happen, otherwise, let it go and be free from the stranglehold.

I have been thinking a lot about that in recent months, hence the sign. I came across a great link from my Twitter feed today. There is a fantastic site called Tiny Buddha that focuses on little things that put life in perspective. Ways to refocus and concentrate on what is important in life. I ran across a specific link to a post about being happy by stopping all the hoping. Sounds counterintuitive? Maybe, but read the post, it makes sense. 

The entire post, Do Happy: Stop Hoping, is relevant, but this portion particularly resonated with me:

When you push through today for a better tomorrow without doing anything to create that new possibility your hope creates the illusion of change to come.

When you hold onto the past, hoping to revive a relationship, situation, or time that’s come and gone your hope precludes even better possibilities in the present.

Stop hoping for what can be, what may be or what was. Make the changes you want to make to be where you want to be. It is so easy to live in a what if, if only, when this type of life but until we're all willing to accept where we are now and where we want to be can we cannot forge ahead and make real life changes. No, it isn't easy, but being conscious of the self, of the being is a first step in truly being happy and not just waiting and hoping for that next change.

What will you do to stop hoping and be happy?

I need to work on my apathy

What's the true test of character? It's how one reacts in situations that are uncomfortable. Where you may be mad, sad, apathetic or whatever the reaction, will you hold your head high or feed into a negative reaction? I need to work on my reactions when I'm hurt. I shut myself in and don't do well hiding my emotions, rather they seem to radiate outwards as anger. It's easier to be angry than address hurt/sadness, which I why I don't just settle with anger and am generally never angry. Bothered with something? Sure, but not angry.
It is easy for me to forgive and evaluate a situation but sometimes all it takes is a fleeting comment or end of the night goodbye to bring the angst back up to the surface and become a weak individual. I hate weakness and it bothers me that my emotions have the ability to dismantle me in an instant.

pay cuts and budgets

I was laid off in July of 2009. It was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me.

It was the worst thing ever because it was a blow to the gut. My boss was missing in action from my professional life for a few days, no one could tell me where he was. Our last few 1-on1's had been cancelled. He elected to let me go Over. The. Phone. From another state. He told me the department was going in a direction and I no longer fit into that vision. It was the worst because it was an abandonment of my 11 team members, each one I cared about deeply and was 100% vested in their job satisfaction and success. It hurt that I invested almost 5 years of my life and career and it was all gone in one day, at 7:45 in the morning (at least my boss, two hours behind out West had to get up REALLY early to fire me from behind a phone), with what felt like nothing to show for it but the few bags of possessions; along with tears I tried so very hard to hide, and damn, as I write this, it still hurts. It turned my life upside down, but hey, that is life. Get Bitter or Get Better (thanks to my absolute favorite Senior Vice President of HR who used that as her mantra).

It was the best because I felt stagnant. I no longer felt my boss was supporting me. I was and still am not a 'Yes Man'. I have my own opinions and want to use mind share to improve performance not only for myself but for the people I (did) manage. I was no longer allowed to do that. I also got my entire summer off, free and clear to enjoy a wonderfully sunny and glorious few months all to myself and Kiera (the orange furry gal who truly runs this house). I went home to Minnesota, visited Chicago and DC. I even went sky diving in PA.What truly blessed me about the layoff was it forced me to eventually reevaluate what I am looking to do and where I want to be in life. Every decision and every scenario allows someone to start over. As a manager, one of my perks, if you will, was the ability to reset expectations at any time. We are all in control of our own decisions and actions, and the layoff was my chance to reset my own personal expectations and use it as a chance to grow.

So, I did that. I took a hard look at myself. I threw around a lot of ideas to get out, move around. Then I got scared and stayed within the safety of what I already know. Luckily, with a well placed connection I secured a new job in September...with a significant pay cut; but hey, it is a job in an economy that isn't exactly booming. It allowed me to pursue a masters degree in Management (one of my true passions) free of charge. It motivated me to utilize the free year of career coaching available to me as a perk of my layoff. So I utilized my summer to live in a tanned, relaxed haze of travel, friends, books and exercise.

Reality has officially set in. That pay cut I mentioned? It has put a ginormous damper on my budget...i.e. I have never had one and just this past weekend embarked on said endeavor. I found out after taxes and health insurance, I am bringing home under $25,000. Hard reality to face. I have no idea how anyone, let alone families, lives off what seems like pennies. At the same time, clearly I have expenses that must be cut. It. Is. Hard. I have to reign in everything. AARGH. Eating out? Basically gone (I can't eradicate this one because I LOVE trying new foods and restaurants). A night out with people? Who am I kidding, only if I spend under $15. It shouldn't be hard, but I trained myself to enjoy what a life of excess has to offer. One of my 2010 goals was to get debt free outside of standard expenses (car loan, school). Turns out debt really does not fit into a budget. So what is a gal to do? My taxes. It's officially tax season, mine are almost done, just have to send it in. All but about $300 will go to paying off my credit card. I am so happy that it will be gone, but so sad I even allowed myself to get into debt. The lesson? Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is permanent. We are all in control of our own actions and decisions. It took my life taking a 180 to fully realize that change is inevitable and while these lessons are hard, and frankly shitty, I know that even if I don't know exactly where I want to be, I am already a better person for it and can confidently say 2010 is the year of refocus and reinvention.