The Wrong Fit

What constitutes the crushing of a soul? What happens when it consumes a minimum of 40 hours a week?

The wrong job for a person is a detriment all around. It creates a divisive environment, one of apathy, angst and sadly, depression. Until someone is in a job (don't confuse it with a career) that is the wrong fit, they cannot fathom the ways it will impact every facet of their life.

I am one of those people.

It took me a long time in life to figure out who I am as an individual - and I am still evolving - and to truly be happy, positive and content. I am that person who loves life's experiences and all it has to offer. I know everything happens for a reason as much as I know I am only in control of me.

Having said all that, I. am. miserable. Welcome to the world of the underemployed. As many of my readers know, I was laid off 1 year ago (to the day as I wrote this out on paper - July 8). It is life changing to say the least. I continuously reiterate it was the best and worst thing to happen to my life. My plotted course? Disrupted. After enjoying an idyllic summer, I applied for a job, landed an interview (well 3) and accepted a job. It was all sunshine and lollipops. Promises of career growth, strong management and extremely high job satisfaction/low turnover.  My, how times have changed.

I have been with my employer for 10 months to the day. As I wrote this blog a couple days ago, I was headed to back to Cleveland from a trip to Minneapolis and literally cried at the prospect of having to come back to a job that holds little satisfaction. Knowing I had to walk into the office and try for yet another day to appreciate the fact that I am employed in this economy and reset my attitude and expectations.
Imagine driving 15 miles to work each morning telling yourself it could be worse. Imagine forcing a smile on your face as you punch in the key code only to have it dissolve the moment you cross the threshold. Imagine having nothing worse than seeing your boss, having him roll into your cubicle to ask 'What you've got going on today/this week?' only to act in a passive-aggressive manner. Imagine an inexperienced, aloof boss and having to deal with managing up every day. This is my life. Been there? Please share. We can all heal and learn through each other's plights.

I am a sales person. There is nothing wrong with that, I actually love sales. I was told my company is in the business of 'changing lives'. We're really in the business of open enrollment. What does that mean, you say? It means hitting people's deeper motivation, their pain points. It means hitting a number, of course, we're in sales, regardless of the student's capabilities. Since starting, I've learned the organization has recruited at shelters, cannot require people to do any sort of orientation and even enrolls MRDD, all under the guise of an open enrollment policy. Turn no one away. Convince prospects this is their chance to change their lives. Sure for some this is the case, it will help. But for those who are ill-equipped to take on classes or more, extremely easy to obtain debt, it's all that's wrong and unethical in for-profit education. I can only worry about myself and act in an ethical manner at all times. My ethics, integrity and morals are what keep me alive, healthy and sane. Call me preachy. Call me self-righteous, but I refuse to take advantage of those who are too ill-informed or ignorant to know what x,y or z degree will not land you your dream job/life, nor will I enable those who want to maliciously take advantage of generous federal educational funding...even if, and particularly if, that entity is my employer.

I feel woefully underemployed and underutilized. I beg to be challenged, to critically think. Neither my boss nor colleagues and students understand my vocabulary. Sure, it is robust, but by no means particularly poetic or scholarly. I've challenged myself to create opportunities to engage both my colleagues and clients with frustratingly minimal support or buy-in. I saw this post card on postsecret last Sunday...how fitting to sadly know so many people are just not where they should be in life
I realize this sounds like Complain Fest 2010, but hyperbole aside it is hard to digest feeling so underutilized. I literally feel a brain drain. I'm essentially getting dumber daily. What? You don't understand my vernacular? Let me try to simplify. What you are having trouble sounding out the words on the application? Let's enroll you! You don't want to do a workshop to improve your skills? Who cares, it is your debt you're incurring.

I could go on and on but will spare the minutiae. I am not sure of the exact moment I realized this is not the job for me. I'm grateful every single day for a consistent paycheck. I am appreciative for all the luxuries I've been afforded thus far in life but at the risk of sounding trite, it is not enough. I am too smart and too passionate and too valuable of a person and employee to waste it on a job that sucks my soul.

I write because it is a release. I write because it makes me happy and honestly, I write because I know I am not the only one who suffers through one more day, knowing there are better things to come. I know all this and I express all this but I am still scared. Scared of failure. Scared of success but is all culminates to essentially being scared of the unknown. I have been most successful when I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and a huge DUH to that one, who isn't? The question is, where is the next unknown and when  will I take the leap to find it?

If you love it, let it go

I have a sign posted in my bedroom that simply states, "If you love it, Let It Go. Let it go..." A friend came over recently and asked me about it. Why would I have a sign stating that if I love something I should let it go? I told her it is a reminder to stop dwelling and instead focus on what I can do, change and have. There is no point in hanging on to things that are outside of my control. If I love something and want something in my life I need to make it happen, otherwise, let it go and be free from the stranglehold.

I have been thinking a lot about that in recent months, hence the sign. I came across a great link from my Twitter feed today. There is a fantastic site called Tiny Buddha that focuses on little things that put life in perspective. Ways to refocus and concentrate on what is important in life. I ran across a specific link to a post about being happy by stopping all the hoping. Sounds counterintuitive? Maybe, but read the post, it makes sense. 

The entire post, Do Happy: Stop Hoping, is relevant, but this portion particularly resonated with me:

When you push through today for a better tomorrow without doing anything to create that new possibility your hope creates the illusion of change to come.

When you hold onto the past, hoping to revive a relationship, situation, or time that’s come and gone your hope precludes even better possibilities in the present.

Stop hoping for what can be, what may be or what was. Make the changes you want to make to be where you want to be. It is so easy to live in a what if, if only, when this type of life but until we're all willing to accept where we are now and where we want to be can we cannot forge ahead and make real life changes. No, it isn't easy, but being conscious of the self, of the being is a first step in truly being happy and not just waiting and hoping for that next change.

What will you do to stop hoping and be happy?