pay cuts and budgets

I was laid off in July of 2009. It was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me.

It was the worst thing ever because it was a blow to the gut. My boss was missing in action from my professional life for a few days, no one could tell me where he was. Our last few 1-on1's had been cancelled. He elected to let me go Over. The. Phone. From another state. He told me the department was going in a direction and I no longer fit into that vision. It was the worst because it was an abandonment of my 11 team members, each one I cared about deeply and was 100% vested in their job satisfaction and success. It hurt that I invested almost 5 years of my life and career and it was all gone in one day, at 7:45 in the morning (at least my boss, two hours behind out West had to get up REALLY early to fire me from behind a phone), with what felt like nothing to show for it but the few bags of possessions; along with tears I tried so very hard to hide, and damn, as I write this, it still hurts. It turned my life upside down, but hey, that is life. Get Bitter or Get Better (thanks to my absolute favorite Senior Vice President of HR who used that as her mantra).

It was the best because I felt stagnant. I no longer felt my boss was supporting me. I was and still am not a 'Yes Man'. I have my own opinions and want to use mind share to improve performance not only for myself but for the people I (did) manage. I was no longer allowed to do that. I also got my entire summer off, free and clear to enjoy a wonderfully sunny and glorious few months all to myself and Kiera (the orange furry gal who truly runs this house). I went home to Minnesota, visited Chicago and DC. I even went sky diving in PA.What truly blessed me about the layoff was it forced me to eventually reevaluate what I am looking to do and where I want to be in life. Every decision and every scenario allows someone to start over. As a manager, one of my perks, if you will, was the ability to reset expectations at any time. We are all in control of our own decisions and actions, and the layoff was my chance to reset my own personal expectations and use it as a chance to grow.

So, I did that. I took a hard look at myself. I threw around a lot of ideas to get out, move around. Then I got scared and stayed within the safety of what I already know. Luckily, with a well placed connection I secured a new job in September...with a significant pay cut; but hey, it is a job in an economy that isn't exactly booming. It allowed me to pursue a masters degree in Management (one of my true passions) free of charge. It motivated me to utilize the free year of career coaching available to me as a perk of my layoff. So I utilized my summer to live in a tanned, relaxed haze of travel, friends, books and exercise.

Reality has officially set in. That pay cut I mentioned? It has put a ginormous damper on my budget...i.e. I have never had one and just this past weekend embarked on said endeavor. I found out after taxes and health insurance, I am bringing home under $25,000. Hard reality to face. I have no idea how anyone, let alone families, lives off what seems like pennies. At the same time, clearly I have expenses that must be cut. It. Is. Hard. I have to reign in everything. AARGH. Eating out? Basically gone (I can't eradicate this one because I LOVE trying new foods and restaurants). A night out with people? Who am I kidding, only if I spend under $15. It shouldn't be hard, but I trained myself to enjoy what a life of excess has to offer. One of my 2010 goals was to get debt free outside of standard expenses (car loan, school). Turns out debt really does not fit into a budget. So what is a gal to do? My taxes. It's officially tax season, mine are almost done, just have to send it in. All but about $300 will go to paying off my credit card. I am so happy that it will be gone, but so sad I even allowed myself to get into debt. The lesson? Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is permanent. We are all in control of our own actions and decisions. It took my life taking a 180 to fully realize that change is inevitable and while these lessons are hard, and frankly shitty, I know that even if I don't know exactly where I want to be, I am already a better person for it and can confidently say 2010 is the year of refocus and reinvention.